Post Partum Depression, But No Baby...

Monday, November 17, 2008

filed under: first person

I thought after losing my baby, I would grieve and eventually move on. I couldn't have been more wrong ...

"What happened to you, where did you go?" my best friend said over cocktails, two months post my miscarriage. "Huh? What do you mean, I am right here," I said. "No. The Talitha I knew is gone. You used to be the swingset, now you're just the kid that falls."

Tears.

momlogic's Talitha: She was right. For two months I have been living in a thick fog: one that turned from grief to anger to just plain fear, but one that never lifted. I have not slept through the night, my heart races, I have anxiety, my hormones are out of control. I am living in a state of "who is going to leave me next?" and it literally paints the world a color I cannot recognize, one from which I cannot hide. One that apparently, according to my best friend, has become me.

"Post partum depression," my doc says says. "Ha! That's funny, I smile through my snotty tears: Post partum depression, yet I have no baby." She continues, telling me that if I don't get myself healthy, I "will have a difficult time getting pregnant again." Now this hits me, because if there's one thing I know, it's that I want to be a mom, sooner, rather than later. Hearing her say the words "will have difficult time getting pregnant" sends me into a panic spiral: "So what can I do?" I ask her, "Just tell me what to do. What if something happens again? What if I can't get pregnant? What if I have another miscarriage? What if something's wrong with me??"

"TALITHA STOP!" she says: "After thirty years of being an OB/GYN, I have one absolute finding," she says, "Having a baby has nothing to do with science. The one thing I know is that I DON'T know -- why women can't get pregnant, why they miscarry, how a woman with a healthy pregnancy can give birth to a lifeless baby ... On the other hand I see miracles, every single day: Women who have tried for ten years, older women, women who rarely ovulate, women who were told they would never give birth. And I have delivered these women's babies."

I realize as I'm sitting there, I look a bit pathetic. Did I really need a reminder that I don't have any control over what happens? If she's telling me where I am right now, and where my health is, I have to make a choice: to find comfort in the uncomfortable, to replace fear with hope, to stay on the ground or get back on the swing.

So I climb back on. I might be the kid that's fallen, but I'm not the one that stays on the ground.

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I cant deny some of the things from this article it is how I felt or maybe who ever that been thru miscarriage...everyday I try to overcome this feeling...will this feeling ever go away?

Still outstation...

Already lost count...still at Jizan...uwaaaaaaaa.... bored....... most probably until 26/11...

Here are some pic that been taken thru hp...no more camera..lost & not yet buy the new one... dont know when... abg so bzzzzzzz.........

Rock hills along the Taif road

Abg at 1 of the site at Taif

Along the road

Al-Bustan Hotel, Al-Baha

View in front of our room at Al-Baha

Al-Baha

Road to Qunfudah need to go thru 25 tunnels

Signboard show that we already far away from Makkah

A bunch of fierce Babun that stay at the hill

Aggresive Babun on our car

Sunset view at Jizan

A lot of this signboard

Sometimes wake up early in the morning to have breakfast at Kudu, very expensive 1 breakfast meal cost SR15 per person

Change menu lunch at Pizza Hut, if not everyday eat Nasi Mandi or Kabsah

Nothing much to do, so I did some cross stitch

Outstation to Southern Part

Already a week that I follow hubby for outstation.... the journey start last Saturday to Taif about an hour from Makkah... then on Sunday to Al-Baha about 2 hours journey...on the same day his boss said need to go to Qunfudah...about 3 hours journey.. yes I've been there last 4 months...on Monday itself, we moved to Jizan about 343km from Qunfudah...

This outstation is last minute decision from his boss... on Saturday he informed my husband & on the day itself he asked to start the journey... hubby asked me to prepared some food & packed all the clothes... he request for Sambal Sotong but I heard Rendang Sotong... belasah la... eat with white rice....within 2 hours I prepared all those things... very tiring....but manage to do that...

At Taif, we stay nearby HyperPanda so after Isyak we go there within a distant walk to buy food for stock up... everything on last day sales....

I'm so excited to be at Al-Baha coz it at hill... & the weather it so cold... cooler than Genting Highland for sure... it really remain me of Tabuk...but after awhile I dont like it coz it become very cold & the Al-Bustan Hotel dont have heater... even though I'm so sleepy but I cant sleep very well due to it....But the scenery is so amazing...masyaállah very beautiful... a lot of babun along the way... the babun with red ass stay at that hill... they are very fierce becoz we try to take picture & want to give bread but they act aggresively by panjat kereta...we become scared & left the place without anything...

Lucky coz husband came back & said that the boss want us to go to Qunfudah...after Asar we left & reach at Qunfudah around Isyak at 8pm... if not sure I cant sleep at that night...

As usual, husband will go out in the morning to work .... he came back during Asar & we had our lunch... then we move our butt to Jizan... reached Jizan around Isyak...Jizan is about 100km from Yemen...so it's already at border... nearby the sea...

We look for comfortable hotel that have English channel & wifi... & we found Jazan Royal Suite...they also called Jizan as Jazan... then we come out to have a dinner... hubby want to eat fried rice...after asking Indon staf at hotel we found Indonesia Restaurant nearby the port... we had our dinner there... the food is tasteless & expensive...Surabaya Restaurant at Makkah much more better for sure.... could not finish it as usual...tapau back...for breakfast...hehehehh...

His boss said this outstation will take for 1 week... to all those places... Taif-Al-Baha-Qunfudah-Jizan-Abha-Najran (quoted)

First I take it as holidays... something new...yeahhhhhh....but now it's really bothering me coz as per schedule that his boss send thru e-mail my husband need to be at Jizan until 25/11 ...there are a lot of work need to be done suddenly....ohhhhh such a long time... uwaaaaaaaa...i hate it... next time please arrange & tell us honestly the schedule... really hate the boss...

I want to perform Haj... but this year the King already announce that everyone that dont have Iqamah (PR) from Makkah need to have permit to perform a Haj... & our Iqamah from Riyadh...so we need to have the permit..but the problem is the King just announce to have the permit but didnt mention where we should apply the permit... the procedure not clear...all that we heard only a rumour not a clear news....oh shitt....

Before we go for outstation the police already double up their patrol around the Makkah... & according from a reliable sources that 2 weeks before Haj the police will all out to do the inspection regarding this matter... & if we have house at Makkah also they will not allow that person to enter Makkah...& we in the middle of doing work.......uwaaaaaaaaa.....& if this thing really happen we will be homeless & I cant perform Haj......uwaaaaaaaaaaa........

If I cant do the Haj...I will blame the boss El-Sayed Moustaffa...

Kenangan & Pengalaman

Apa pun aku bsyukur krn diberi kesempatan utk merasa sendiri pgalaman hamil...w/pun selama 11 minggu...skurang2nya aku tau aku masih lg boleh peknen...cuma belum ada rezeki utk menimbang cahaya mata...alhamdulillah krm aku masih diberi peluang..Allah masih saygkan aku...Allah nk aku terus berdoa kpd-Nya dgn perbykkan lg amal ibadatku...

Kini aku berpantang...pantang tanpa anak...

Mgimbas semula pertama kali pgalaman mendengar jantung baby berdegup dgn kuat... sesuatu yg sungguh luar biasa.....masya állah sungguh besar kekuasaan mu ya Allah...ketika itu kandungan aku berusia 8 minggu..2 ari slps sampai KL...masih tiada rupa..sekadar seketul darah..tp masya allah dh boleh dgr jantungnya... perasaan ketika itu sungguh gembira & seronok sgt...

Doktor bg ubat utk mguatkan rahim aku memandangkan kami akan byk travel sbb balik raya... penuh jadual...

Sepjg tempoh aku peknen, aku tidak mgalami sebrg masalah morning sickness melainkan kerap buang air kencing...dlm masa 1/2 jam skali atau sejam skali... alhamdulillah skali lg krn Allah permudahkannya....

Krn tiada masalah kekadang aku hampir lupa ttgnya...aku rasa ok jer...mcm biasa..cuma perut aku xleh nk sembunyi sgt....cepat penat & xleh nk jln byk sgt...nk kena bhenti rehat bila jln lama...semua mmg berjln lancar & baik...

Hasben selalu ingatkan aku & dia begitu caring skali...dia mmg begitu ambil berat mkn minum & kebajikan aku sms peknen...thanks abang for ur extra caring.....really love u....

Hinggalah tiba waktu utk check up pd usia 11 minggu... sms doktor scan masyaállah skali lg aku melihat kekuasaan Allah...kepala baby dh nampak...tali pusat ada... kaki pun nampak...dlm masa yg singkat baby mbesar...tp xde degupan jantung...& pbesaran baby thenti di kala usia 8 minggu jer...sepatutnya baby tu lg besar utk minggu yg ke-11 ni.. w/pun bkali2 doktor check & cari.. at that time aku still blur...doktor ckp dgn hasben maksudnya...aku speechless...hasben ku tergamam... kami dlm keadaan tkejut... baby dh xde...

Memandangkan kami akan pulang ke Mekah lg 3 ari...doktor mcadangkan kami cuci or buat DnC... kami terus bsetuju dgn cadangan doktor... doktor bg ubat utk memudahkannya...

Kuar je bilik doktor utk daftar masuk wad bermula babak kami mberitahu parents... mak aku myerahkan kputusan kpd kami...mak mertua aku pulak x setuju utk cuci tp kami tetap masuk wad...bermulalah saat aku disuruh posa sbb mlm tu gak nk cuci...

Hampir 2 jam aku di wad, kami memutuskan utk pulang umah sbb nk memuaskan ati mertua aku yg bgnya x semestinya apa yg doktor ckp tu betul...ini berdasarkan pgalaman dia sewaktu mgandungkan hasben ku... doktor India yg merawatnya ketika itu mgatakan kandungannya yg berusia 8 bln tu dh xde...yg dikandungkannya tu ada mayat...doktor tu betul2 yakin dgn keputusannya...& mcadangkan supaya mbuangnya...mertua aku x bsetuju dgn kata2 doktor & x mdengar nasihat doktor tsbt...dia yakin masih ada sbb masih lg merasa pgerakan baby...

situasi itu sudah pasti berbeza skali dgn aku...aku br 11 minggu...baby x bgerak lg....tp utk sedapkan ati mertua, kami pulang & bcadang utk jumpa semula doktor slps 2 ari...

sampai umah, kami mkn sbb kelaparan...di kala itu tanda sengugut terasa.. & dh ada pendarahan.. semakin lama semakin sakit & byk... akhirnya terasa mcm nk berak...mmg masa tu kuar byk & bketul2... terus kami bsiap & pegi ke hospital semula... admit masuk wad...

kami maklumkan pd doktor... stlh sekian lama aku x kena sengugut teruk...aku rasa semula... aku dimasukkan air & aku dimonitor utk mgetahui keadaan aku...darah terus kuar dgn byk...sejam skali aku tpaksa tukar pad...

begitulah keadaan aku sehingga keesokkan pagi...sepjg mlm itu hasben sentiasa di sisi aku...thanks abang....

nurse suruh aku start posa pukul 5.45am & memaklumkan yg DnC akan dilakukan tghari... masa tu aku dh ok...darah pun semakin kurg...sakit pun dh xde...

alhamdulillah segala2nya berjln lancar & sakitnya masih ditahap aku boleh tanggung...cuma ngilu giler masa nk buang air.........thanks to our beloved Doktor Masyita Mansor for all ur kindness & patience...

Miscarriage

Bukan rezeki aku... Allah nak bg lg baik pada aku... Setiap perkara ada hikmahnya...begitulah kata2 yg aku cuba tanamkan dlm ati aku stlh miscarriage on 20/10... di kala usia kandungan masuk 11 bln...

Sehingga skrg aku masih sedih & xtau sampai bila aku nk bsedih...yes i know, i need to allow myself to grief after all this thing happened...sedih tu selalu dtg tiba2 especially masa aku sorg2... ini mmg susah nk elak sbb most of the time mmg aku sorg2...yea la hasben aku bz dgn keje...lebih2 lg skrg ni keje mmg byk bila nk dekat haji....aku x salahkan dia...aku sendiri x penah meluahkan kesedihan aku yg sbenarnya kpd dia..xtau kenapa, mayb aku pun xnak la dia pun bsedih gak..tipula kan kalau dia x sedih...x byk skit sure sedih...

start aku sedih bila aku nk landing aritu ...kt dlm flight lg...mayb coz aku teringat last time aku naik flight nk balik Msia & masa tu aku fikir bila dh balik Mekah semula sure aku dpt mkhabarkan berita gembira kpd kekawan aku yg aku dh peknen.....& lepas tu timbul lak kt fikiran aku mayb bcoz of naik flight aku miscarriage...terus sedih...aku balik tanpa baby dlm perut aku....uwaaaaaa.... masa ni mmg hasben perasan & tanya napa aku sedih...selamba jer aku ckp teringat baby...tanpa fikir apa perasaan dia...

time yg paling sedih skali buat masa ni... aritu 1st time gi Haram lepas balik Mekah & after so long x gi... pegi nk solat & tawaf sunat...then sementara nk tunggu time solat nampak baby...masya állah comel... terus aku teringat b4 this aku dh berangan2 bawa baby gi Haram...& last time aku gi Haram masa aku peknen...tanpa dpt dibendung aku menangis...sbb malu aku cuba kontrol air mata aku..mula2 btakung jer...lepas tu mmg kuar w/pun aku cuba utk fokus pd solat sbb dh start solat.... makin ku cuba...makin galak dia kuar...

apa yg pasti buat masa ni xleh tgk baby aku mmg sedih lg...Ya Allah, kurniakanlah aku pahala dgn musibah yg menimpa ini, & gantikanlah ia dgn sesuatu yg lebih baik buatku....

1st week

Ari2 yg dilalui slps tahu peknen mmg beza...aku jd lebih2 bhati2 demi memastikan kandungan ini aku jaga dgn sebaik mungkin....bermula la perjlnan aku sebagai ibu hamil...

1st thing yg aku buat dgn mcari semula buku2 ttg pregnancy yg seblm ni penah ku beli...& mula mbaca...bila dh alami sendiri br aku faham skit isi kandungannya yg seblm ni aku blur jerrrrrrrr....x cukup dgn buku yg ada...kitorg start surf internet...semuanya fsl pregnancy...

2nd, aku mula perasan aku cuba memperbykkan lg amalan ibadat dlm usaha utk mendptkan anak yg soleh atau solehah...begitu juga dgn hasben aku....

3rd, semua keje rumah kebykkannya dipikul oleh suami ku... alhamdulillah dia semakin rajin menolong ku...terharu aku....thanks abang...hehehheh..

Tanpa disangka aku demam, kmdn selsema....semakin hari teruk pulak..ditambah lak batuk... w/pun demam aku masih lg berdegil utk msk w/pun dihalang oleh hasben ku...nk dijadikan cerita aritu aku teringin sgt nk mkn walnut tp kena roast dulu.....hasben dh halang tp aku tetap gak nk buat... dgn demam & kepala yg bpusing aku bkeras nk buat...nak dijadikan citer semasa aku cuba menyalakan api oven, api menyambar muka & rambut...alhamdulillah Allah masih saygkan aku dgn reaksi spontan aku terus tutup oven....2 perkara bmain difikiran ku...abisla rambut aku & muka aku jd itam.........

Lepas tu hanya hangit & rambut gugur jer kelihatan...aku terus ke tandas sbb hasben aku kt situ & aku menceritakan hal tsbt...apa lg kena mare la.... then aku check rambut ku..uwaaaaaaa dh jd kerinting atau dh kurg rambut ku..........togel skit....uwaaaaaaaaaaa... alhamdulillah rambut aku lebat so masih xde la nampak sgt...& yet still nampak pelik.........then perasan lak mcm tkurg jer bulu kening aku...siap cuba konpomkan dgn tgk pic aku yg seblm ni.....ehhhhh betul la bulu kening aku dh cacat...uwaaaaaaaaa.....nasib muka aku masih lg putih........

apa pun alhamdulillah sbb aku masih hidup lg...pengajaran yg aku dpt ialah kalau x sihat jgn buat2 sihat & lain kali dgr ckp suami.........

Bulu kening aku dh bkn mcm ni...uwaaaaaaaa......

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah.......Itulah ucapan pertama yg ingin ku katakan. After 2 yrs, akhirnya aku peknen. Bersyukur sgt.. Ishhh x sangka tu...bkn aku jer yg x sangka, terkedu & tkejut... laki aku pun sama... hehheheheh...

Semuanya berlaku tanpa diduga...ehhh mmg x sangka la...apa pun mmg bersyukur sgt... mula2 tu biasa la ari sabtu mmg my cleaning hse day...aku vaccum & mop mcm biasa... w/pun aku posa...tp sbb aku dh terbiasa cleaning seminggu skali mcm x puas jer bila x buat...so aku buat gak la w/pun sure penat buat2 tu semua time posa...

Aku br jer buat skit...tp rasa sakit pinggang sgt...tp aku buat gak lak kan...buat sampai abis...dh tu ada sakit perut lak...aku duk fikir apsal la mcm ni...nk ckp peyed ishhh selalu peyed xde la sampai sakit pinggang... dr siang sampai mlm aku duk sakit...apa lg mlm laki aku jd mangsa...aku suruh dia urut aku dgn minyak pati halia (bawa dr Msia tu...hehehh)

Lepas tu mcm dh ok skit kitorg kuar beli groceries & sajer2 la beli pregnancy test.. sbb plannya esok nk gi Jeddah...ada kwn minta tolong bawa coz dia nk konpomkan tiket...so hasben ckp alang2 kita gi konpomkan tiket balik kita juga la...

so nk dijadikan citer masa bangun subuh bangun aku pun buat la pregnancy test tu...mula2 nampak 1 line jer... then alih2...tetiba nampak 2 lines lak...tp yg 2nd lines tu blur...ehhh biar benar....1st thing masa tu...alamak xleh la aku balik Msia...padahal seblm ni xde la pun aku beria nk balik hehhehe... aku teruskan gak ambil wudhuk... then kejutkan hasben bangun subuh...terus ajak dia gi toilet skali..tunjuk la discovery tu...dia pun mcm terkejut jer..duk tgk la... mcm x percaya..aku ckp betul la tu...then kitorg laki bini duk dulu kt living room sambil fikirkan pregnancy test tu...speechless tu... dh ckp skit2...terus hasben ambil wudhuk utk solat...kitorg solat subuh...then duk termangu memikirkannya & diskus about it...we all decide to go to hosp later on... coz it still to early around 5am something so sambung tido dulu...

aku mmg dh xleh tido sbb dh fikir mcm2...tp yg paling utama sbb aku cari kad hosp yg aku dh misplaced...jenuh gak la cari walhal ada jer...aku yg ntah apa2...dah tu tunggu sampai kul 9am nk kejutkan hasben utk siap2 gi hosp....siap2 la kitorg nk pegi dgn berdebar2...

dh sampai hosp xtau lak kat mana nk register utk buat blood test...merata cari tmpt..dr atas ke bwh..dr bwh ke atas...penat gak la aku...dah la sakit perut tu still ada...jln la aku slow2... akhirnya berjaya gak after lebih kurg 1/2 jam sesat cari tmpt...al-maklum sini punya prosedur lain, dh tu tmpt pun meng'konfuse'kan... buat la blood test..yg ambil darah tu pak itam...rasanya muda lg...ishhh mmg x konfiden la...dh tu terkial2 nk cari urat dr lengan aku....mana taknya 2 tmpt dia cucuk nk ambil darah...yg kali kedua br betul adoi laaaaaa.... dh ambik dia ckp tunggu dlm 15 minit... seblm ada pakcik tua yg ambil darah gak... so kitorg tunggu la kt tmpt menunggu... lab dorg lak jenis see thru so mmg nampak la staf2 ni buat keje... yg bestnya pak itam tu la ambil darah pak itam tu gak la yg buat test...walhal ada gak staf lain kt situ dlm 2 or 3 org...xtau la aku....

cukup 15 minit mmg dia panggil dr cermin tu kata result dh ada.. aku nampak pkataan negatif...disappointed terus...then hasben ckp positif la...lorrrrrrr salah baca info... hehheh..hasben tanya nk balik or tunggu sbb doktor dtg kul 11.30am coz official hour for Ramadhan... memandangkan ada lg sejam aku ajak balik...coz hosp bkn jauh mana pun...hasben aku kata nk beli pregnancy test lg yg boleh test anytime tu...pregnancy test mahal...hehhehe hasben ckp sbb tgk cara dorg keje tu yg x konfiden...hehhehhehhe...so aku lah jd mangsa nya dgn buat test lg...tpaksa ku korbankan air kencing ku lg...hahahhahahah...

balik mmg terus buat test..kuar lg 2 lines...haaaaaa br laki ku percaya...itu pun dia mcm blur2 jer...mmg la dia x caya sbb bkn dia yg sakit cissssssssss...

ambil no & jumpa doktor...cadang nk jumpa doktor pompuan tp xde doktor pompuan...yg btugas cumalah doktor laki... hasben ckp jumpa je la coz kita nk tau our condition jer... nama doktor tu Abdullah...rasanya org Jordan...so kitorg pun citer la prob seblm ni & my condition...doktor pun ambil detail fsl aku...tanya last peyed aku bila, penah ada history abortion ker...& umur aku..
ckp fsl umur xtau la dulu masa register utk check nurse tu salah dgr ke apa atau sistem salah...ada ker depa tulis umur aku 39...salah tu...x puas ati aku...siap tanya doktor boleh tukar dak.....kuar dlm result blood test aku fsl umur tu...ishhhh boring la aku....terasa tua lak aku...

ada buat scan tp x nampak apa2 lg...so doktor ckp dtg next sabtu...coz kalau dtg aritu xyah byr lg registeration yg SR150 tu...resit tu boleh guna selama seminggu so dlm seminggu xyah byr kalau dtg...doktor tu la yg ckp hehheheh... dh tu dia ckp dtg dgn full bladder...giler ker apa? suruh aku tahan kencing dr pagi...dh la dia dtg kul 11.30am...lama tu...tgk la doktor.....insyaállah hanya itu saje yg mampu ku kata...


1st time pregnancy test ada 2 lines...









Result dr Hospital









Pregnancy test mahal SR25









Jumlah pregnancy test aku cuba...